Forgive Me Mom!

I was a complete asshole today. Feels good to have at least admitted that. Heres hoping that mom will 

forgive me, but don't they always do that, even before you ask for forgiveness. Its so hard to understand moms. Have been in a lot of pain this entire week. Apart from the sickness that I am already going through for the past three years, there are so many other issues too that are part of the whole 'package'. And these issues are ALWAYS unpleasant. This time its acute inflammation under the skin in my right arm. For the past ten days, inspite of a regular dose of antibiotics, it doesnt seem to subside much. Anyway, that was the background story to my being an asshole today. I guess I was already at the end of my wits with all the frustration of meds, pain, etc etc. and just like that (as if I was waiting for some stupid excuse to explode) I started screaming at mom and lil sis for something really stupid. And mind you, screaming is a very small word for the high octane, out of control. mad woman-like shouting and screaming that ensued for at least ten minutes. They were both sitting in stunned silence, while I shouted at them, pushed them (physically) out of my room, then plopped on the bed and cried into my pillow for a good half an hour. I know I had no right to take out my frustration on them. They are the only people who genuinely care for me, love me, tolerate my insanity, my tantrums, still pray for me every single second. But I just got out of hand today, it was as though I had no control over myself. Things are much cooler now, we (read I) are all pacified, hugged each other and made up. But I can see the hurt in moms eyes, and I cant do anything about it. Its not happened for the first time, oh yes, I am a regular at this despicable behavior. Although I make a promise to myself every single time, but the depression and the frustration gets the better of me and bam! before I know, its happened again. I am sorry mom. One day I hope to get out of this rut and make up to you for all of this. Until then, please keep forgiving me. Your heart knows I love you..the most!