Forgive Me Mom!

I was a complete asshole today. Feels good to have at least admitted that. Heres hoping that mom will 

forgive me, but don't they always do that, even before you ask for forgiveness. Its so hard to understand moms. Have been in a lot of pain this entire week. Apart from the sickness that I am already going through for the past three years, there are so many other issues too that are part of the whole 'package'. And these issues are ALWAYS unpleasant. This time its acute inflammation under the skin in my right arm. For the past ten days, inspite of a regular dose of antibiotics, it doesnt seem to subside much. Anyway, that was the background story to my being an asshole today. I guess I was already at the end of my wits with all the frustration of meds, pain, etc etc. and just like that (as if I was waiting for some stupid excuse to explode) I started screaming at mom and lil sis for something really stupid. And mind you, screaming is a very small word for the high octane, out of control. mad woman-like shouting and screaming that ensued for at least ten minutes. They were both sitting in stunned silence, while I shouted at them, pushed them (physically) out of my room, then plopped on the bed and cried into my pillow for a good half an hour. I know I had no right to take out my frustration on them. They are the only people who genuinely care for me, love me, tolerate my insanity, my tantrums, still pray for me every single second. But I just got out of hand today, it was as though I had no control over myself. Things are much cooler now, we (read I) are all pacified, hugged each other and made up. But I can see the hurt in moms eyes, and I cant do anything about it. Its not happened for the first time, oh yes, I am a regular at this despicable behavior. Although I make a promise to myself every single time, but the depression and the frustration gets the better of me and bam! before I know, its happened again. I am sorry mom. One day I hope to get out of this rut and make up to you for all of this. Until then, please keep forgiving me. Your heart knows I love you..the most!

Is this disease making you sick?

I have always dreaded writing this post. You will get to know why in a lil while. Yes Im sick, like literally. I

have read so many blogs of sick people, patients...so called diaries of 'patients'. The disease varies, but the nature of the blog remains the same. Its the same undercurrent of pain, misery, also courage...that defines these pieces of writing. I will not say whats ailing me, but whatever it is, its damn serious. Its something I have been battling with for the last three years. Before that, I was a person with normal life. Friends, parties, an amazing job, holidaying, love life...you name it, I had it all. This is what makes it even more intolerable, the fact that I can never have all that ever again. Todays post is going to be about what I really miss, the pain that I am going through. Maybe, I will write about the 'being strong' and 'courageous' part some other time! Today is just not that day. So as I was saying, life can be so bloody unpredictable, how do you prepare for something so drastic, something so out of your control. There is no other way than to just gather your spirits somehow and keep moving forward. Of course, I am not alone. I have an amazing family who are by my side, rooting for me, helping me stay strong and coping with the disaster that my life seems to be all about. Sometimes the longing to be normal again is so bad that its like an unbearable physical ache. The helplessness is just too much to handle. I don't know what keeps me going in such times, when all I want to do is end it all. Is there any hope at all? Why do I keep hoping for a miracle. There are stories on the internet about miraculous healings, and when I read those, every core of my being wants to believe in it, hope it happens for me too! Heres one
STORY that is at the top of my miracle list. Why cant God help us all? Theres something about pain that connects all those who are going through some sickness or the other. Like I said earlier, the disease could be different, but the underlying misery is the same. We all know what it feels like to be on the other side. It suddenly feels as if the world has been divided into two halves, one is for the disease-free and the other for the diseased. Its as if wherever you go (be it a regular hospital visit, some gathering, public place, public transportation), people are either staring at you, or trying to not to stare, which too is so obvious. Its like life is in a limbo. You are neither fully normal, nor abnormal. You know that your mind, your spirit is still the same. You wanna sing, dance, climb mountains, stroll on beaches, party hard....and in your mind you are doing all of that. But in reality, you body just wont allow you to do it. You are either bedridden, or in a wheelchair or just too weak to do any of this. Its like being a prisoner in your own body. I would say, there should be no intermediary stage/s to disease. It should either get cured or just take a persons life quickly and quietly. That would save a lot of misery for the sick one, as well their loved ones. I know thats a morbid thought to end this post but I am sure, a person in my shoes would understand. Like I said earlier, today is just not the day to be courageous.

Life After Death & the Paranormal

Yes I know this is something the entire world debates about. But I am not here to prove anything. As far as

believing or not believing is concerned, I'd say I do believe in the afterworld, the paranormal, the world beyond, life after death. I have no personal experience to back up my belief but somehow I do. I think we don't actually die when we die. As they say, we just pass over to another dimension. Whether or not there are any bright lights, that we will come to know only when we die. So, until then, its just through your own freak experiences, other people's stories, etc. that we get to form an opinion on this subject. What appeals to me most is the idea of 'not actually dying'..you just start to exist in a different plane. Yes, maybe not in the physical body form that you have on earth, but maybe in an astral form. Like I've heard from other people who have miraculous stories to share, there seems to be no sense of time in the 'other' world. There's no past, present or future. It is all happening at once, just a single dimensional sense of time. You are supposedly present in so many places at once. Now, that would be something! How fascinating the thought of life even after death is! There's so much that the human mind still has no idea of. There's so much that we just cant explain. For example, something as simple as a premonition. How do you explain that? There are so many people who simply get an intuition, a feeling, or even dream about something that they could not have known about at all. And yes, this is something that even I have felt a few times. Something which happened in the future, and I had no way of knowing anything about it, but out of nowhere I get this dream where I kind of 'foresee' what was to happen...and happen it did!! I am sure so many of us have had amazing out of the world(pun intended) experiences. Lets share some of these if you are comfortable doing so. Its going to be interesting I am sure :)

The Strength of the Human Spirit

The strength within..the human spirit..the fighter instinct!! There are so many ways to describe the amazing courage and resolve that we humans are capable of showing.

Like they say, you get to know how strong you really are only when being strong is the only choice you are left with. Destiny tests us in so many ways, it could be a broken relationship, the passing over of a loved one, a chronic illness or even something as trivial as failing an exam. But these are the situations which test our true mettle. Life surely throws some very unpleasant surprises at times and these either break us or make us even stronger. I know its easier said than done, but believe me, life has thrown some pretty tough ones my way too. Sometimes the misery is too much to bear and all I want to do is throw in the towel and end it all at once. But somehow, a voice at the back of my mind asks me to push some more. I cannot be a coward. If this is how it all has to end, then I might as well go down fighting. From a person who used to wallow in self pity and cry at the drop of a hat, I have turned into someone who is giving a tough competition to destiny today...with all my might. Either I emerge victorious on the other side, or go down fighting. Thats what my spirit tells me, every-single-day. So, to everyone who is fighting a tough battle out there, I'll say keep up the fight, dont let the demons slay you, keep the flag soaring high. One day you will be rewarded for your courage...if not here, then in the next world for sure. Let Him test you as much as He wants, coz He is the Almighty and He alone knows why you are being put through these trying times. The body will wither, but the spirit will remain...and ultimately find peace when it merges with the Source. An incredible example of what we just read about...the amazing strength of the human spirit!

True Love Hurts...

How much sadness can a human heart handle? Well, I guess it depends on what makes you sad. Your sadness might mean nothing to me and vice versa. Why is our heart such a fragile thing? Why is it so hard to erase certain emotions, certain memories? Some of them are ages old...yet as new and as painful as fresh wounds. Does the heart never learn? Yes Im talking about the same old, same old. LOVE. Love...when you are lucky enough, it fills your life, your heart, every atom of your being with unbelievable happiness. But when you aren't that lucky..then it snatches away all that you ever had, and then some more. Time passes, yet seems to stand still. I feel I have come so far yet there are moments when it takes me by surprise. I have pushed away the memories in the farthest corner of my heart, yet it feels as if sometimes its right there in my face. In full force. The pain is so much that I don't even feel it. Its not even pain..its this indescribable feeling of everything coming together in the flash of a second. As if all the moments spent together, the good, the bad and the worst..all of it has somehow come together in one moment and my heart is feeling all those emotions at once. The love, the fights, the making up, the cheating, the betrayal, the heartbreak, the hurt, the hate, the love again...everything! What will become of me? Will I ever come out of this self imposed prison? Will I ever be free? Will I ever love again? I want to. I want to be free. I want to feel the same way again. I want to be able to love without having to justify it or force it. I don't want to remember you. I don't want to remember how I loved you and I don't want to remember what you did to me. I don't want to hate you. I don't want to 'anything' you. I was, I am .. a believer in the good that universe has to offer. I believe in true love. You never did. Then why should I suffer for your non-belief, for your cheating, for your betraying ways. I feel I deserve to be with the ONE for me. I believe ..I still believe I will one day have what's due to me. I hope and I wish there comes a day when even the memory of you vanishes and the slate becomes clean. Its ironic, isn't it..the one I couldn't imagine life without, is the one thing about life that I wish to forget..forever. I will begin again..I know I will.

For the love of God

I love you Baba :P Oh have I lost it or what!! My emotional ping pong with God thus continues.. Just when I had lost all hope, He comes back and saves me. Living in hope and dangling by my faith, I continue my battle. My savior, my hope, my faith, my love, my Babaji xoxo

Do you believe in God?

Faith?? How easy or difficult is it to lose faith in someone or for that matter, lose faith in God?! Thats my bone of contention today. Yes I was one of those staunch believers..no matter what happens, God is always there watching over me..he will pull me out of my miseries one day..let karma play out its role and once my karma is done..happy days will be here once again. Yeah yeah I know I sound verrryy stupid..but thats exactly how Ive been thinking of late. But finally Ive realised..there's no such thing! I believe we've been handed out our joys n sorrows randomly. So some of us have ended up receiving more than their fair share of miserable moments than others, and theres nobody up there to balance it out. I have realised the sheer futility of going to temples, mosques, churches, etc. No matter what you do or how hard you pray, nothing seems to improve. One moment life was full of happy moments, future plans, glory days and the very next its nothing less than doom! How do you manage to keep the faith in such a scenario..its not that I didn't try. I held on to my God for a very long time, only to be pushed back in a corner with my grief and dejection. Finally, I gave up. It was not a voluntary step. Its just happened on its own. Something just died within. Now there's no faith, just a glimmer of hope that maybe destiny will take a turn for good and things will work out one day. But surely, God has no part to play in it.

Are Best Friends Forever!

‎"False friends are like our shadow, keeping close to us while we walk in the sunshine but leaving us when we cross into the shade.”

Its surprising how our perceptions, ideas, ideals change as we grow up. Life unfolds in so many unexpected and dramatic ways. Teaches you so many lessons...some sweet, some bitter but each lesson worth having learnt. I used to think that friendship is a pure, beautiful, sacred relationship and lucky are ones who have that one person (or more than one for some lucky ones) they can call a 'FRIEND'. Who is a friend? To me, its someone who makes you feel that you are not alone in your sorrows and never lets you cry alone. Someone who doubles your joys by being there with you in happy times. Someone whom you fall back on when theres nothing else left to fall back on. Your friend is someone who has all the rights over you...to hug you, to judge you, to scold you, to teach you, to love you, to get angry with you and so on and so forth. You love your mom, dad, brother, sister...dont you? Arent you supposed to love your friend the same way and of course expect the same in return?


But no, cold facts of life - you may love someone from the bottom of your heart and chances are that they will break your heart. It happens all the time, doesn't it? 

What's surprising is that not only are romantic relationships causing heartbreaks all over, but so are failed friendships. Yes its true. After all it all boils down to human nature. If there are people who will take their romantic partners for granted then how can we expect that these people will be good friends with someone.  Its only when the going gets tough and  comes the true test of their 'friendship', when suddenly you realize that your 'friend' is not-so-willing to be a part of the shitty phase of your life. Its the hardest time of your life and your BEST friend is nowhere around. You thought that this is that one person that you will not have to explain your pain to. But reality is far from it.  This person chooses to slowly slip out of your life and leaves you alone to face your misery. The move is so smooth that you won't even come to know of it at first. Your mind will not register the change at first, neither will you be able to see the truth. This is because your trust in your friend is paramount and not even in your wildest dreams would you have thought that your best pal would actually not be there for you at this time. Boy, does it break your heart!  


Well, shit happens I guess. You get hurt...people you love the most hurt you. There are times when they unknowingly do so, and if that's the case, you are still lucky because they don't know that they have hurt you and once they do, chances are that they may tell you how sorry they are and all will be well after that. But then there are others who are selfish and have been using you all this while. One day they show their true colors. The truth will hit hard when it strikes you and you will think that you have been wronged. You heart will be broken and you will have no one to blame for the blow that your heart has taken. It hurts but I will say get up, chin up, wish your 'pal' all the best and move on a wiser person in life.


No need to carry the baggage of hatred and I-was-wronged with you. Be sorry that a friendship didn't turn out to be what you thought it was but be thankful for the wisdom it has given you. Wisdom to be able to choose friends more wisely now, to hopefully be able to differentiate the fake from the original ones. Isn't life all about growing up every twist and turn after all? Know yourself and be true to yourself. if you are pure in your heart and if you are willing to be an honest and true lover or a friend yourself, then eventually life will present them to you when the time is right. And when that happens, you would know that this time its for the keeps because you already have come past the wrong ones. You held your ground in those times and came out a much stronger person. Others were shallow and you were not. They were in the wrong but you were not. You played the part of the true lover, the true friend but they chose to deceive you...took you for granted. That's their style, not yours. You cried, you were hurt but you were pure, you were true, you were honest. Think of them as life's tough lessons but be happy that you learnt so much from them and now its much more difficult for someone to take you for a ride...thanks to them. You have grown as a human being, they are still the same...shallow, conniving and petty. Remember that future is unfolding every moment and its for sure that good things, good people will come your way because you chose to be good yourself. As simple as that!

Nothing special

Today its gonna be a quick one. I think its more of a diary than a blog to me. Well, who cares as long as I feel lighter after having written something whenever I feel like. Its almost like having an 'always available' friend that you can chat with, or lets say 'chat to'. Quite liberating at times. Am I just rattling off?? Ha ha, maybe I am...but cant stop and it feels so good...like just letting it go, out of your system...just like that! Phew, feel better already!

Will come back again 'fursat mein'...have so much to share...about life, the way it takes you by surprise, that one so called love of your life, friendships, perspectives, etc. Oooohh..so much waiting to get out of my system, but one at a time, will do. Ciao :) 

L'appuntamento (The Appointment) - Ornella Vanoni

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dq3K3pglpVU



I've been mistaken so many times
By now that I already know
That today is almost a certainty
I've been wrong about you
But once more
That you can change my life
To accept this strange appointment
Has been a madness
I'm sad among the people
That you are passing by me
But the nostalgia of seeing you again
It is stronger than weeping
This sun shines on my face
A sign of hope
I'm waiting when suddenly
I'll see you to appear in the distance!
Love, make it soon, I don't resist
If you don't come, I don't existI don't exist, I don't exist...
The time has passed, it's raining
But only to wait
It doesn't concern me what the world thinks
I don't want to go
I look inside myself and I wonder
But I don't feel anything
All I have is hope
Lost among the people
Love, you're already late and I don't resist
If you don't come,
I don't existI don't exist, I don't exist...
Lights, cars, showcases, roads
Everything seems so confusing in my mind
My shadow has gotten tired of follwing me
The day dies slowly
It doesn't befit me to return to my house
To my sad life
This life that I wanted to give to you
You have crumbled it between your fingers
Love forgives, but I don't resist
Now and forever I don't existI don't exist, I don't exist...

Happily Everafter

"And they lived happily everafter..."
How often have we seen such romantic endings to a million love stories and then sighed and gone back in time to the moments spent with that special someone and thought - only if it worked out for me as well!
Did I really deserve this? There are times in our lives when we meet that special guy and life becomes beautiful and worth living. They say that everyone in life needs someone to share the different colors, all the different emotions and the good and the bad of life with. Some start out as friends and then realize one fine day that this is that one person that I cant seem to live without, everything seems so incomplete without him. For others, it is love at first sight... are there any ringing bells or is there a special sign that God gives us that this is the ONE for you.I dont know about that, but yes... I am not the same with this one guy as I am with my other guy buddies(you know what I mean, all that blushing, palpitations and flustering for the right words).
We all have a different story to share as to how it all started and and how the magic began. But not all of us are fortunate enough to experience the " happily ever after" part of the story. What went wrong, what did I do wrong, was our love so shallow or even for that matter, was I just another girl for him? What happened to all those promises, those vows of " I am never gonna leave you baby." Is it so easy to carry on and forget everything as if nothing happened. They say that God has plan, a purpose for everything that happens and everything happens for the best. What could be so great about this misery that I am going through now? Did I not give it my heart and soul, or was he blind to not to have seen the love in my eyes for him. Is love really a four lettered word and " I love you" just a phrase which has been said so many times that today it has lost its meaning altogether?
And its a never ending cycle. He dumps you and you get hooked up with someone else on the rebound and one fine day dump him as well when you come back to senses and realize that this is not how it is supposed to be, this is not the one I am supposed to be with and that it turned out to be just a stop gap arrangement. And you know what, its normal! After all, arent we all humans eventually,how much of an emotional roller-coster can we handle. There comes a time when you are so lonely, so dejected and so much in need of a warm and comforting shoulder that all you care about is to have somebody. Who knows, this might be God's plan for you.
Why am I writing this, because I am also one of us. Yes, there was a time when I dumped someone and yes, there was a time when I got dumped too. Its hard when its happening and nothing seems to be going the right way but believe me, love is out there... its very much there just hold on tight and BELIEVE! The picture is hazy but soon it will become crystal clear.
So all you lucky ones in love, all the best and God Bless and for the rest of us who have seen it all and believing is the last thing on your mind...STILL BELIEVE coz if not for love and compassion, we wouldn't have existed. Throw the emotional garbage out coz it belongs OUT and look forward... that is where future is and that is where laughter and fun and love and sweet nothings are!